Free Radio SF

Shaking Uncontrollably:
Does Guzzling Gas Make You Piss Fire?

Bad ideas are like starfish: You can cut them up, but unless you
squash them into jelly and incinerate the remains, they will multiply.
I'm not really saying that we should go around murdering idiots . . .
but this week's "news" certainly made me want to beat a few people
mercilessly.

For example, in the midst of a botched oil war and facing the looming
catastrophe of global warming, General Motors Vice Chairman Bob Lutz
expressed the need for more oversized gas guzzlers at the opening of a
Hummer dealership in Paris. "Hummer needs some more products. It
needs two or three more products to give it sufficient market
coverage." How about a Hummer-brand blimp that's big enough to block
out the sun? Then they could overshadow all markets with a single
product. Jeez, where's an angry mob of disenfranchised French
teenagers when you need them?

Unfortunately, the Hummer story is just the tip of the rapidly melting
iceberg in this week's edition of Shaking Uncontrollably. The
government, the military and Christian evangelicals all expressed
ambitions that are far more stupid and dangerous than bigger SUVs.
Will they get light sabers, too? A program known as "Hot Eagle" is
apparently nearing its goal of making space travel accessible to
Marines. According to Defense Technology International, "The concept
is to deliver strategic equipment or a small squad of soldiers to any
point on the globe—even the most hard-to-reach location— within hours
of need." Great. Maybe next time I'm in trouble I should call the
Marines, because one of my friends called 911 a few weeks ago when he
was robbed and it took the San Francisco cops more than 5 hours to get
to his house, even though it's less than a mile from the police
station.

The War is Just a Brief Pause: During an interview on CNN with Wolf
Blitzer last week, President Bush looked into his metaphorical crystal
ball and made the following proclamation: "I like to tell people when
the final history is written on Iraq, it will look like just a comma .
. ." Hmm. Maybe he's just basing this prediction on what declassified
National Intelligence reports on Iraq currently look like, because
everything else has been blacked out by the CIA.

Keepin' it real (real ignorant) Following a closed-door meeting with
President Bush last week, Sen. Trent Lott told the press that he and
the Prez didn't really feel like it was necessary to talk about Iraq.
The Mississippi Republican said, "You're the only ones who obsess on
that. We don't and the real people out in the real world don't for the
most part." The academic test scores of his home state imply that in
his "real world," people don't obsess over literacy or mathematics,
either.

However, Lott did express some confusion over this faraway place that
he doesn't really think about. He added, "It's hard for Americans,
all of us, including me, to understand what's wrong with these people.
Why do Sunnis kill Shiites? How do they tell the difference? They all
look the same to me." Try sitting a little closer to the TV, Trent.
Remember that this is the guy who had to resign as Senate Majority
Leader in 2003 following public uproar after he said that America
would have been a better place if segregationist Strom Thurmond had
won the presidency. Maybe the Iraqis all look alike to Trent Lott
because every time he's near a person of color he's wearing that
pointy white hood.

Political Change: A deadlocked race between two Democrats vying for a
seat in the Alaska state House of Representatives was decided last
week by a coin flip. The guy who called "tails" won and will face a
Republican in the general election next month. How are they going to
decide that one—rock, paper, scissors or thumb war?

Hillary "666" Clinton: At a "Value Voter Summit" in Washington DC last
week, Rev. Jerry Falwell implied that his followers prefer Satan to
Hillary Rodham Clinton. "I certainly hope that Hillary is the
candidate," Falwell said. "Because nothing will energize my
(constituency) like Hillary Clinton. If Lucifer ran, he wouldn't."
Yeah, that's because the Lord of Darkness would inevitably pick Dick
Cheney as his running mate and all the Christians would be confused.

Yet Another Militant Pro-life Wackjob: Earlier this month, David
McMenemy, 45, drove his car into the Edgerton Women's Health Center in
Iowa because he mistakenly thought that the clinic performed
abortions. Upon crashing through the front door, he poured gasoline
all over himself, but upon further consideration, decided not to
immolate himself. Now he's faced with a federal charge of committing
arson against a business affecting interstate commerce. The charge
carries a prison term of between five and 20 years and a fine. Wow.
Good thing he didn't tarnish any SUVs during his terrorist assault on
this women's clinic or he might really be facing some serious time
—like Jeff Luers, the kid who got 22 years for burning three sport
futility vehicles.

All this talk about SUVs is making me bummed that I missed last
Friday's Critical Mass, but I thought is was more important to check
out the California First Amendment Coalition's Free Speech and Open
Government conference in Berkeley. I forgot to pre-register, but with
so many Bay Area journalists being sent to jail lately, I knew I could
count on finding an open seat. Free Josh Wolf.

- Liam O'Donoghue
origianlly written for IndyMedia.org