Free Radio SF

Is anyone really that shocked that the Congress put a pedophile in
charge of the Missing and Exploited Children Caucus? Come on. When
they wanted to "learn" about global warming they brought in Exxon's
scientists. When they were trying to figure out if smoking was
addictive, they asked the Marlboro Men. Sure, I'm happy that the
Republican Party is falling apart faster than Cher's plastic surgery,
but I think we've got bigger problems to face, like nuclear weapons
and spinach. Oh, apparently lettuce has also joined the axis of
e.coli. Vegetables of Mass Destruction. Fuck. Is there anything we
shouldn't be scared of? According to this week's edition of Shaking
Uncontrollably, apparently not . . .

Diet Crude with a Twist of Lime: An Italian oil company CEO put oil
prices in perspective during an interview with the New York Times last
week. Paolo Scaroni said, "Today, a barrel of oil is worth half a
barrel of Coca-Cola." In another interesting comparison between the
fossil fuel and the beverage, drinking oil is actually better for your
teeth.

Mmm, Smokalicious: A new study published last week by the journal Food
and Chemical Toxicology revealed that some cigarette firms are using
additives such as plum juice, maple syrup and honey to make their
products taste better. Damn, that's making me hungry. I think I'm
going to start putting crushed-up cigarettes in my power shakes.

Big Muscles Smash You Good: According to Yale researchers, too much
testosterone can kill brain cells. This "may help explain why
steroid abuse can cause behavior changes like aggressiveness and
suicidal tendencies." This may also explain the backyard wrestling
phenomenon, the abnormally high illiteracy rate among monster truck
drivers, and why so many professional athletes' autobiographies have
been released in the "pop-up book" format lately.

Benevolent Wizard or Unholy Devil-Boy? According to the American
Library Association, more people have tried to ban the Harry Potter
series than any other book in the US in the pasty year. More than
3000 readers have attempted to ban the books, which are seen as
promoting the occult or Satanism. I can only imagine how these
concerned parents are going to react if the rumors about Harry
starting a Judas Priest cover band in the upcoming final book turn out
to be true.

Check out that Statue's Balls! Sydney McGee, a popular art teacher
from Frisco Texas got fired last week from Wilma Fisher Elementary
School when the parents of one of her fifth grade students complained
that their child saw nude art during a field trip to the Dallas Museum
of Art. OK, so it's alright to execute children in Texas, but God
forbid they see some two-dimensional titties… yee-ha!

What are you gonna do about it, Canada? You know that shit is gettin'
nasty when there's beef between the US Coast Guard and Canada. Yup,
heavily armed Coast Guard patrols in the Great Lakes have been
freaking out nearby residents and boaters by blasting off thousands of
rounds of lead ammunition during "anti-terrorist drills." Maybe after
the Coast Guard is done blowing up the imaginary terrorist navy they
can help Don Quixote kill those darn windmills.

Party Time: Last year, Congress designated $20 million for a "Mission
Accomplished" party, but since the US didn't spend the money, they're
rolling the cash over into this year's military spending bill, just in
case "we win." According to The New York Times, the original
legislation empowered the president to designate "a day of
celebration" to commemorate the success of the armed forces in
Afghanistan and Iraq, and to "issue a proclamation calling on the
people of the United States to observe that day with appropriate
ceremonies and activities." Appropriate?! Like what: Oil slick slip
n' slide? Hide and go seek Osama? A gigantic Koran-shaped piñata?

Look Out Dumbo: During a speech in Newport, VA to christen a new $5
billion nuclear-powered aircraft carrier named after his father,
President Bush told the story of how Bush Sr. was once suspended from
flying during his time as a Navy Pilot. Apparently, Daddy Bush flew
too low over a beach so "he could see women sunbathing" and caused an
elephant stampede. The flyover upset a circus elephant, "causing him
to break lose and make a run throughout the town," Bush said. Hmm. I
guess old Georgie wasn't strategizing so good when he
misunderestimated the impact his swoopin' would have on that there
elephantatis.

That's it for this week. Sorry if this edition seemed a bit
scrambled, but after the last few days of having eardrum-shattering
Blue Angels flying repeatedly over my head (and setting off all the
car alarms on my block), I'm just glad I can still spel.

-Liam O'Donohgue
Originally written for IndyMedia.org