Free Radio SF

Is anyone really that shocked that the Congress put a pedophile in
charge of the Missing and Exploited Children Caucus? Come on. When
they wanted to "learn" about global warming they brought in Exxon's
scientists. When they were trying to figure out if smoking was
addictive, they asked the Marlboro Men. Sure, I'm happy that the
Republican Party is falling apart faster than Cher's plastic surgery,
but I think we've got bigger problems to face, like nuclear weapons
and spinach. Oh, apparently lettuce has also joined the axis of
e.coli. Vegetables of Mass Destruction. Fuck. Is there anything we
shouldn't be scared of? According to this week's edition of Shaking
Uncontrollably, apparently not . . .

Diet Crude with a Twist of Lime: An Italian oil company CEO put oil
prices in perspective during an interview with the New York Times last
week. Paolo Scaroni said, "Today, a barrel of oil is worth half a
barrel of Coca-Cola." In another interesting comparison between the
fossil fuel and the beverage, drinking oil is actually better for your
teeth.

Mmm, Smokalicious: A new study published last week by the journal Food
and Chemical Toxicology revealed that some cigarette firms are using
additives such as plum juice, maple syrup and honey to make their
products taste better. Damn, that's making me hungry. I think I'm
going to start putting crushed-up cigarettes in my power shakes.

Big Muscles Smash You Good: According to Yale researchers, too much
testosterone can kill brain cells. This "may help explain why
steroid abuse can cause behavior changes like aggressiveness and
suicidal tendencies." This may also explain the backyard wrestling
phenomenon, the abnormally high illiteracy rate among monster truck
drivers, and why so many professional athletes' autobiographies have
been released in the "pop-up book" format lately.

Benevolent Wizard or Unholy Devil-Boy? According to the American
Library Association, more people have tried to ban the Harry Potter
series than any other book in the US in the pasty year. More than
3000 readers have attempted to ban the books, which are seen as
promoting the occult or Satanism. I can only imagine how these
concerned parents are going to react if the rumors about Harry
starting a Judas Priest cover band in the upcoming final book turn out
to be true.

Check out that Statue's Balls! Sydney McGee, a popular art teacher
from Frisco Texas got fired last week from Wilma Fisher Elementary
School when the parents of one of her fifth grade students complained
that their child saw nude art during a field trip to the Dallas Museum
of Art. OK, so it's alright to execute children in Texas, but God
forbid they see some two-dimensional titties… yee-ha!

What are you gonna do about it, Canada? You know that shit is gettin'
nasty when there's beef between the US Coast Guard and Canada. Yup,
heavily armed Coast Guard patrols in the Great Lakes have been
freaking out nearby residents and boaters by blasting off thousands of
rounds of lead ammunition during "anti-terrorist drills." Maybe after
the Coast Guard is done blowing up the imaginary terrorist navy they
can help Don Quixote kill those darn windmills.

Party Time: Last year, Congress designated $20 million for a "Mission
Accomplished" party, but since the US didn't spend the money, they're
rolling the cash over into this year's military spending bill, just in
case "we win." According to The New York Times, the original
legislation empowered the president to designate "a day of
celebration" to commemorate the success of the armed forces in
Afghanistan and Iraq, and to "issue a proclamation calling on the
people of the United States to observe that day with appropriate
ceremonies and activities." Appropriate?! Like what: Oil slick slip
n' slide? Hide and go seek Osama? A gigantic Koran-shaped piñata?

Look Out Dumbo: During a speech in Newport, VA to christen a new $5
billion nuclear-powered aircraft carrier named after his father,
President Bush told the story of how Bush Sr. was once suspended from
flying during his time as a Navy Pilot. Apparently, Daddy Bush flew
too low over a beach so "he could see women sunbathing" and caused an
elephant stampede. The flyover upset a circus elephant, "causing him
to break lose and make a run throughout the town," Bush said. Hmm. I
guess old Georgie wasn't strategizing so good when he
misunderestimated the impact his swoopin' would have on that there
elephantatis.

That's it for this week. Sorry if this edition seemed a bit
scrambled, but after the last few days of having eardrum-shattering
Blue Angels flying repeatedly over my head (and setting off all the
car alarms on my block), I'm just glad I can still spel.

Shaking Uncontrollably:
Does Guzzling Gas Make You Piss Fire?

Bad ideas are like starfish: You can cut them up, but unless you
squash them into jelly and incinerate the remains, they will multiply.
I'm not really saying that we should go around murdering idiots . . .
but this week's "news" certainly made me want to beat a few people
mercilessly.

For example, in the midst of a botched oil war and facing the looming
catastrophe of global warming, General Motors Vice Chairman Bob Lutz
expressed the need for more oversized gas guzzlers at the opening of a
Hummer dealership in Paris. "Hummer needs some more products. It
needs two or three more products to give it sufficient market
coverage." How about a Hummer-brand blimp that's big enough to block
out the sun? Then they could overshadow all markets with a single
product. Jeez, where's an angry mob of disenfranchised French
teenagers when you need them?

Unfortunately, the Hummer story is just the tip of the rapidly melting
iceberg in this week's edition of Shaking Uncontrollably. The
government, the military and Christian evangelicals all expressed
ambitions that are far more stupid and dangerous than bigger SUVs.
Will they get light sabers, too? A program known as "Hot Eagle" is
apparently nearing its goal of making space travel accessible to
Marines. According to Defense Technology International, "The concept
is to deliver strategic equipment or a small squad of soldiers to any
point on the globe—even the most hard-to-reach location— within hours
of need." Great. Maybe next time I'm in trouble I should call the
Marines, because one of my friends called 911 a few weeks ago when he
was robbed and it took the San Francisco cops more than 5 hours to get
to his house, even though it's less than a mile from the police
station.

The War is Just a Brief Pause: During an interview on CNN with Wolf
Blitzer last week, President Bush looked into his metaphorical crystal
ball and made the following proclamation: "I like to tell people when
the final history is written on Iraq, it will look like just a comma .
. ." Hmm. Maybe he's just basing this prediction on what declassified
National Intelligence reports on Iraq currently look like, because
everything else has been blacked out by the CIA.

Keepin' it real (real ignorant) Following a closed-door meeting with
President Bush last week, Sen. Trent Lott told the press that he and
the Prez didn't really feel like it was necessary to talk about Iraq.
The Mississippi Republican said, "You're the only ones who obsess on
that. We don't and the real people out in the real world don't for the
most part." The academic test scores of his home state imply that in
his "real world," people don't obsess over literacy or mathematics,
either.

However, Lott did express some confusion over this faraway place that
he doesn't really think about. He added, "It's hard for Americans,
all of us, including me, to understand what's wrong with these people.
Why do Sunnis kill Shiites? How do they tell the difference? They all
look the same to me." Try sitting a little closer to the TV, Trent.
Remember that this is the guy who had to resign as Senate Majority
Leader in 2003 following public uproar after he said that America
would have been a better place if segregationist Strom Thurmond had
won the presidency. Maybe the Iraqis all look alike to Trent Lott
because every time he's near a person of color he's wearing that
pointy white hood.

Political Change: A deadlocked race between two Democrats vying for a
seat in the Alaska state House of Representatives was decided last
week by a coin flip. The guy who called "tails" won and will face a
Republican in the general election next month. How are they going to
decide that one—rock, paper, scissors or thumb war?

Hillary "666" Clinton: At a "Value Voter Summit" in Washington DC last
week, Rev. Jerry Falwell implied that his followers prefer Satan to
Hillary Rodham Clinton. "I certainly hope that Hillary is the
candidate," Falwell said. "Because nothing will energize my
(constituency) like Hillary Clinton. If Lucifer ran, he wouldn't."
Yeah, that's because the Lord of Darkness would inevitably pick Dick
Cheney as his running mate and all the Christians would be confused.

Yet Another Militant Pro-life Wackjob: Earlier this month, David
McMenemy, 45, drove his car into the Edgerton Women's Health Center in
Iowa because he mistakenly thought that the clinic performed
abortions. Upon crashing through the front door, he poured gasoline
all over himself, but upon further consideration, decided not to
immolate himself. Now he's faced with a federal charge of committing
arson against a business affecting interstate commerce. The charge
carries a prison term of between five and 20 years and a fine. Wow.
Good thing he didn't tarnish any SUVs during his terrorist assault on
this women's clinic or he might really be facing some serious time
—like Jeff Luers, the kid who got 22 years for burning three sport
futility vehicles.

All this talk about SUVs is making me bummed that I missed last
Friday's Critical Mass, but I thought is was more important to check
out the California First Amendment Coalition's Free Speech and Open
Government conference in Berkeley. I forgot to pre-register, but with
so many Bay Area journalists being sent to jail lately, I knew I could
count on finding an open seat. Free Josh Wolf.